Spring has sprung at last. Time to shake off the winter doldrums, shed a few of those winter pounds, and turn with a fresh, sunny perspective towards new beginnings.
What’s that? There, … in some kind of plastic wrap lying in the dark recesses of my refrigerator? Oh God, pleeeease let it be some leftover Hershey’s chocolate kisses that survived the Holiday Season, with their shiny, green wrappers still in tact, waiting to be unwrapped and enjoyed like a child’s toy on Christmas morning. Come closer, my love. Oh, it’s kale. CUE SCREECHING HALT. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made friends with kale, but we will never be besties.
DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’VE MADE FRIENDS WITH KALE, BUT WE WILL NEVER BE BESTIES.
HEALTHY EATING CONFESSION
TRUTH: I have incorporated kale into my cooking and my diet, as my husband and I continue seeking out ways to boost our metabolism through good nutritional choices. We pride ourselves, after all, in taking care of one another this way.
HALF-TRUTH: I really enjoy the benefits of kale. See CUE SCREECHING HALT, above.
HEALTHY HABITS CONFESSION
So many winter storms. We survived the Polar Vortex. I don’t know who coined this evil term, never before heard by anyone who has for years has watched any sort of weather forecast, mostly to just find out whether one needed to carry an umbrella or not. Previously, “it will turn from cold to frigid,” was the most alarming meteorological speech pattern we had heard. Nonetheless, this past winter had many of us stuck indoors much longer then we wanted to be, giving new meaning to the term, cabin fever.
Determined to not let my mind turn to oatmeal while stuck inside on those blistery days, I completed one puzzle after another. Jumbles, search-a-word puzzles, crossword puzzles, you name it, I tackled it, to pass the time somewhat constructively until Mother Nature was done with us. On a roll, I tried my luck with “Alphabet Sudoku,” expecting to be enthralled by it.
TRUTH: This mystifying puzzle exists, and actually has a loyal fan base, just as traditional Sudoku puzzles do. Both types of these puzzles provide challenging intellectual stimulation.
“Alphabet Sudoku,” I’m just not that into you.
HALF-TRUTH: As a wordsmith, I wholeheartedly embraced “Alphabet Sudoku.” Actually, my first thought was that the name itself sounded like “Chef Boyardee,” the beloved after-school snack I asked Mom to serve up when I was around 10. “Hey, Mom, do you think today I could get a can of that ‘Alphabet Sudoku’ that I love so much? My second and prevailing thought on “Alphabet Sudoku” was that it just wasn’t fun. Annoying. Frustrating. Whatever, I’m just not that into you.
Well, I guess that’s enough spiritual cleansing of the body and mind for now. I’m off to determine if the kale from the dark recesses of my refrigerator is bad. How does one really know this? Does it turn greener or just wilt away?
PS – TO ANY METEOROLOGISTS OUT THERE… I KNOW YOU FOLKS HAVE RECEIVED A LOT OF HATE MAIL THIS PAST WINTER, SO I WON’T ADD TO YOUR ANGST. I JUST ASK, PLEASE, THAT YOU STOP NAMING WINTER/ICE STORMS. LET’S RESERVE THE PRACTICE OF NAMING AS IT APPLIES TO BABIES, OR AS YET UNDISCOVERED SPECIES OF PLANT OR ANIMAL LIFE. THANKS.
As my owner is still cursing the polar vortex, I decided that I’d jump on the blogging bandwagon in her place. My name is Lucy, the Jack Russell Terrorist. Here is my latest pic. Sure, I slow down a bit in the winter months, but that’s me buried in the blanket somewhere.
It was reported in the news this week that new technology has been developed in Europe that will translate the thoughts of dogs like myself into words for humans to understand. On behalf of my canine counterparts worldwide, I just wanna say “Genius, … seriously.” I previously thought that having you twits out working all day, year after year, on my behalf was brilliant, but you’ve just kicked it up a notch. Sure, stay outside now with your snowblowers, shovels and ice picks while I cozy up here, chillaxing on the couch and offering my point of view on this research data.
Lucy the Dog’s Point of View on Latest Research Data
One of the researchers used language like “ionic current flow” when strapping the helmets on the participating dogs. Honestly.
I’m flattered, but maybe you should all be researching genomes, or cures for diseases, climate change, that sort of thing.
Well, well, let’s review a few commonly held beliefs about us dogs for starters, OK humans?
BELIEF 1: “A dog only wants to please it’s master.” This is a basic premise of any basic obedience program. FACTOID 1: “SOMETIMES TRUE.” Would rather lick myself, wreak some type of havoc, or do absolutely nothing at any point in time rather than do anything for the sake of being obedient at any given moment. Let’s be real, I’ll get a damn Milkbone outta you eventually.
BELIEF 2: “Certain dog breeds have overtime exhibited superior intelligence”. FACTOID 2: “TRUE, but then there is the ever present ANOMALY.” As it turns out, this is true of my breed, the (Parson) Jack Russell Terrier. They are generally very smart dogs. Pursuant to this fact, I am indeed the anomaly, and frankly, not all that bright. Just ask my tail if it agrees. I chase it daily, whilst I run in endless circles to the point of exhaustion. So next time you guys are out there searching for your dream dog, check closely for the Surgeon General’s warning that comes stamped on us. It reads, “may not adhere to breed standards.”
BELIEF 3: “Dogs don’t really seek out ill behaviors or enjoy being ‘bad’ out of spite. Acting out is an indication of anxiety or some other underlying behavioral problem.” FACTOID 3: ” KINDA TRUE” I personally begin my day with yoga, meditations and prayers. I contemplate the many ways I can consider being good, or at least not evil. This includes wondering how I might avoid the temptation to eat the cats’ food instead of and/or in addition to my own dog food. I simply find it compelling and enticing and so I eat the damn cats’ food, even though I know it’s exhibiting bad behavior, and that it’s gonna really piss you off, again. Listen, the cats are fat anyway, so you may as well just think of it as a favor from me, to you all. You’re welcome! Oh wait, no what’s that, I don’t get gratitude – I get grief?
Anyway people, listen, all this analyzing is making my tiny brain hurt. I’m told that the Spring will make its way here in just a few weeks, and so I must reserve my energies so that once the warmer weather arrives, I can go back to being my lunatic self, endlessly jumping and running amok and continuing to watch all you humans develop ways to understand me better. I’m flattered, but maybe you should all be researching genomes, or cures for diseases, climate change, that sort of thing.
Seeing as I’m hopelessly adorable, I thought you’d all appreciate seeing me in all my glory, sans blanket.
Now, where did I hide that Milkbone — love those things?!!