Sue & Lucy the Dog: Watching Life Unfold & Gettin' It On the Page

Tag Archives: satire

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While it is the general consensus that we’ve got it good here, and we love you (that’d be both cats and the dog — me, Lucy) there are a few things under review. In case you weren’t aware, yes we pets do meet together in solidarity. Here I am at our last business meeting, taking minutes.

We are bewildered. Periodically, it seems to upset you to no end to find mysterious, nasty, sometimes unidentifiable piles of “stuff” we leave behind the house and on our property. OK, so these piles range from bile, to vomit, to remnants of half-dead bugs, and at last, to about fifty shades of poop. Collectively, we all think this is pretty cool, but you do not. To that we say, shit happens, get over it.

Second item, regarding cleanliness and your endless quest to have us all groomed properly. We find your efforts really sweet and rather amusing. Really, you must have noticed the places where we lick ourselves. And our breath? All right, yes we all have exceptionally bad breath, but if it doesn’t phase us why does it bother you so? Probably best to just leave us be.

Lastly, and this item is just from me, Lucy the dog. I’ll pause here to again remind you of how incredibly cute I am.

Image” …, yes we pets do meet together in solidarity.”

To the question you always ask “Does Lucy want a cookie?”  I say, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Milk bones. They are one fine snack treat!! But… as a maniacal (Parson) Jack Russell Terrier, my energy and anxiety level exhausts me, and so sometimes after a long day of being me, I would prefer that you consider asking me instead, “Does Lucy want a flame-broiled burger, medium rare?”

We hope you will give careful consideration to our suggestions and demands. But if not, well admittedly, it’s not like we could really do anything about it. We send you our appreciation and…

Much Love, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY from the Pets
XOXOX

Happy Mother’s Day One and All, from Lucy’s Mom

 


My husband and I have the good fortune of living with my 90 year old mother. She is kind, sweet, and as helpful as she can be in her frail, petite, aging frame. We’re grateful for her company in our lives, and acknowledge that we are blessed, especially now as my husband prepares to face the first Mother’s Day celebration without his own dear mother, who passed away this past October.

My mom can be a joy, as well as a real hoot — a hoot in the way that only elderly parents can be.

My mother eats Cheerios 11 at a time. That’s right, the phenomenon of a shrinking stomach, and therefore shrinking appetite, occurs with aging. Breakfast for Mom each morning consists of a bowl of 11 Cheerios, a few drops of milk, and fresh coffee. Pouring out any fewer Cheerios for her (say, maybe 8) results in the “I’m hungry!” exclaim that much sooner, and pouring out any more (say, like 15) results in feeling “too full.” Since my three pets combined eat like captive, hungry prisoners everyday, this is good news for me. What I save in cereal I well make up for in dog food and cat food.

Evidently, this itty-bitty senior breakfast phenomenon gives way eventually to the practice of having pre-lunch, followed by an actual lunch a short while later. Suffice it to say that my kitchen sees a lot of action, which leads me to my next point…

My mother enjoys “early-bird” dinner — or as I like to call it, “lunch.”  No matter the day, occasion, or what we all may have had to eat earlier in a given day, dinner is best served, well, as a late lunch. The ever stressful “what will be cooking tonight?” conversation generally begins over afternoon coffee. Enough said.

My mother enjoys “early-bird” dinner — or as I like to call it, “lunch.”

Announcements and proclamations that begin with “I’ll just use a knife,” or, “I just used a knife to do it.” Upon first hearing this long ago I nearly went into Ricky Riccardo mode, wanting to say with a Cuban accent and all that “Mom, you have some splaining to do.”  As it turns out, any knife Mom finds in the kitchen utensils drawer, expensive or not, has hundreds of uses. Who knew?

Is the foot-lock on my backyard door jammed again? Open it with a knife. Did you think the slice of toast stuck in the toaster would stay stuck for long? Not a chance! Rambo, I mean – excuse me, Mom got that toast out, with the toaster still plugged in, using a handy dandy knife. Pesky jar top not opening, despite using the rubber-thingy designed to open pesky jar tops? Well, not a problem, Mom got it open with a knife. Can’t get the back of the damn TV remote control open in order to change the batteries? Mom’ll just use a knife.

Pesky jar top not opening, despite using the rubber-thingy designed to open pesky jar tops? 

Gotta replant some plants with that giant 30+ lb. bag of potting soil and don’t care to be bothered to use the assigned gardening supplies? Funny thing! The knife opens the bag and can also be used to stir up the freshened soil and newly repotted plants. Misplaced that silly letter opener? Clearly, a knife will do.

Extra company coming to join us for dinner? Great! We’ve got plenty of knives to go around. Yep, they’re all clean. I officially check them. And that loose tooth that’s been bothering me for a little too long? Whoah, hang on now. Did you really think I would make my toothache public knowledge?

Coming in my next segment… “The Perils and Pitfalls of Couponing”, “When BINGO Goes Bad,” “Our Bathrooms – Our Selves,” and more!!

 


Spring has sprung at last. Time to shake off the winter doldrums, shed a few of those winter pounds, and turn with a fresh, sunny perspective towards new beginnings.

What’s that? There, … in some kind of plastic wrap lying in the dark recesses of my refrigerator? Oh God, pleeeease let it be some leftover Hershey’s chocolate kisses that survived the Holiday Season, with their shiny, green wrappers still in tact, waiting to be unwrapped and enjoyed like a child’s toy on Christmas morning. Come closer, my love. Oh, it’s kale. CUE SCREECHING HALT. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made friends with kale, but we will never be besties.

DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’VE MADE FRIENDS WITH KALE, BUT WE WILL NEVER BE BESTIES.

HEALTHY EATING CONFESSION

TRUTH: I have incorporated kale into my cooking and my diet, as my husband and I continue seeking out ways to boost our metabolism through good nutritional choices. We pride ourselves, after all, in taking care of one another this way. 

HALF-TRUTH: I really enjoy the benefits of kale. See CUE SCREECHING HALT, above.

HEALTHY HABITS CONFESSION

So many winter storms. We survived the Polar Vortex. I don’t know who coined this evil term, never before heard by anyone who has for years has watched any sort of weather forecast, mostly to just find out whether one needed to carry an umbrella or not. Previously, “it will turn from cold to frigid,” was the most alarming meteorological speech pattern we had heard. Nonetheless, this past winter had many of us stuck indoors much longer then we wanted to be, giving new meaning to the term, cabin fever.

Determined to not let my mind turn to oatmeal while stuck inside on those blistery days, I completed one puzzle after another. Jumbles, search-a-word puzzles, crossword puzzles, you name it, I tackled it, to pass the time somewhat constructively until Mother Nature was done with us. On a roll, I tried my luck with “Alphabet Sudoku,” expecting to be enthralled by it.

TRUTH:  This mystifying puzzle exists, and actually has a loyal fan base, just as traditional Sudoku puzzles do. Both types of these puzzles provide challenging intellectual stimulation.

“Alphabet Sudoku,” I’m just not that into you.

HALF-TRUTH:  As a wordsmith, I wholeheartedly embraced “Alphabet Sudoku.” Actually, my first thought was that the name itself sounded like “Chef Boyardee,” the beloved after-school snack I asked Mom to serve up when I was around 10. “Hey, Mom, do you think today I could get a can of that ‘Alphabet Sudoku’ that I love so much? My second and prevailing thought on “Alphabet Sudoku” was that it just wasn’t fun. Annoying. Frustrating. Whatever, I’m just not that into you.

Well, I guess that’s enough spiritual cleansing of the body and mind for now.  I’m off to determine if the kale from the dark recesses of my refrigerator is bad. How does one really know this? Does it turn greener or just wilt away?

PS –  TO ANY METEOROLOGISTS OUT THERE… I KNOW YOU FOLKS HAVE RECEIVED A LOT OF HATE MAIL THIS PAST WINTER, SO I WON’T ADD TO YOUR ANGST. I JUST ASK, PLEASE, THAT YOU STOP NAMING WINTER/ICE STORMS. LET’S RESERVE THE PRACTICE OF NAMING AS IT APPLIES TO BABIES, OR AS YET UNDISCOVERED SPECIES OF PLANT OR ANIMAL LIFE. THANKS.